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Q: What was your life like before recovery?
“Before recovery, I identified myself by my sexuality. I identified myself as a lesbian who lived as a homosexual woman, and I also was a master manipulator and user of people. I found that I used people, and even after I left homosexuality, I used people to make life like I wanted it.”
Q: What is your life like now?
“Since I’ve been in recovery, I’ve had two big things. One is that I’ve been able to realize more and more that God is a good God. I gave up a lot to follow Him, and it’s taken me awhile to learn how to trust Him again. I feel like every day, as I live through my recovery, I learn that more and more. The second thing I’ve learned is that I can trust the Holy Spirit’s voice within me. I questioned that a lot, and since I’ve been able to label my character defects through the 12-step program, I feel like I hear the Holy Spirit nudge me when I’m living into the character defects that are opposite from the way God would have me live. Now I’m able to hear His voice and His nudge and change my actions or apologize for what I’ve already done.”
Q: How have you seen Jesus in your recovery?
“At the beginning of my recovery, Jesus was my forgiver. He took the life that I had lived and who I had become and showed me that I’m still His, and He forgave me. That took me a process of about a year to figure that out and to see that. But I did, and that became a turning point for me, and that’s where He started redeeming my life because it became a place where He started squelching the homosexual tendencies within me and started raising up a desire for a heterosexual relationship. That led me to a desire to be married and to live into a family situation where I was able to be a nurturer. I really believe that God made me to be a nurturer, and that was something that I had squelched as I followed my own stuff in life. In that, I’ve now come to believe that I’m a daughter of the King, and that is my identity. That’s how He’s redeemed me.
Q: What would you say to a newcomer?
“The first thing is, ‘Trust the process!’ Celebrate Recovery is a place that’s safe, a place that’s time-tested, and it’s a great place to feel like you belong. That’s definitely what I’ve gotten out of it is that I belong in the body of Christ. It is the body of Christ; it’s a piece of it. It’s a place where I can process my pain in the safety of a community.”
Q: What was your life like before recovery?
“I would say that before recovery, I felt very alone, like I was the only one that had this problem or was dealing with this. I know that was just a lie. But, they are still the type of thoughts that go through your mind. Once I accepted Jesus into my life, I no longer felt alone…and that no matter what, He was with me, even if I still felt depressed, or my life was out of control at times, He was with me through it.”
Q: What does Celebrate Recovery mean to you?
“To me, Celebrate Recovery and the twelve steps are about LIFE. They are about the continual life process of depending on God. I believe that it’s this process of how God wants us to live our daily lives. The process is admitting my powerlessness, of examining and surrendering my character defects to God on a daily basis, me forgiving myself and others, and giving back through service. The biggest discovery for me in Celebrate Recovery was that Celebrate Recovery and the 12 steps are for ANYBODY. Step number four made a huge impact on me. Step number four is about taking a moral inventory of your life, and that basically means putting your life under a microscope and examining the good, the bad and the ugly. For me, when I did that, I was able to see in black and white some of the things, the patterns of behavior. I discovered for the first time, some family mottoes that were played out in my family. These are not things that people actually say. It’s more about, ‘This is the way we do life in our house.’ Some of those family mottoes that I discovered were:
- You must please other people at all costs.
- Do not waste anything, at all, even if it is to your detriment.
- Pretend like everything is OK, when it’s not.
- We are an island. We do not need anyone else outside the family.
I never thought of these mottoes before, never identified them. It was something that just came out in black and white as a result of doing that fourth step. And I believe that this was the first layer that God showed me towards change. It’s the first step towards making change. I believe that as I continue to work the steps that God will show me more layers that He wants me to work on and other things that He wants to show me through the steps.”
Q: What would you say to a newcomer?
“I would say to a newcomer to keep coming back. It’s always difficult the first time you attend anything new. It will feel uncomfortable at first. It will take a lot of courage at first. We’re glad that you came, and we commend you for your courage in coming. But you need to come back and keep on working these steps, and you will see results.”
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